An expectation is defined as; ‘a strong belief that something will happen or be the case’.
Whilst teaching an adolescent to expect [blank] of themselves, or encouraging them to set expectations to be met regarding their performance [academic, sport or other] may seem helpful in practice it can often be of detriment if not properly managed, allow me to explain.
In her book, ‘Atlas of the Heart’, Brene Brown discusses a sub division of expectations that are ‘unexamined and unexpressed’ – she labels these, ‘Stealth Expectations’.
As the name suggests these are expectations that are kept internal, never divulged (sometimes because they are unconscious), even if the expectations have requirements from other people or things that are outside of our control (which is most of the time).
Brene Brown goes on to explain it like this;
‘The movie [created in our mind] is wonderful, but no one else knows their parts, their lines, or what it means to us.’
I have been on both sides of this, not having my expectations met & not meeting the expectations of another.
It creates a tremendous amount of disappointment when your expectations are not met, both of yourself and others (how unfair is that!! They probably aren’t even aware you had any expectations of them in the first place).
So, how can we manage our own expectations or of those of the people around us?
Let’s take a look:
Managing your own Expectations
‘Stealth Expectations’ are common for adolescents.
Whilst they are seeking independence, they are still often quite dependent on those around them, meaning they may still EXCEPT (without saying) a certain level of assistance.
The other reason is they are still learning:
- What they are and are not capable of
- What is and is not achievable, based on what they are and are not capable of
- And, how to achieve what they are capable of
That last dot point is critical, and often most important. Because adolescents are still learning they can often overestimate, not what they can achieve, but rather the simplicity with which it will take to achieve it. They have not considered, or are even aware, of the MANY uncontrollable factors that may influence it.
I have outlined below some simple questions which adolescents can ask themselves to increase awareness around what they may be expecting & then also how to re shape those expectations if needed:
- What are the circumstances surrounding my expectations? What is the context?
- Do my expectations require input, in anyway from other people? If so, who are those people & what am I expecting of them? Are they aware of my expectations?
- List what aspects of my expectations I have control over and which do I not?
- Of the uncontrollable factors, how may they influence the outcome of my expectations?
- Based on the answers to Qu’s 1 – 4, do I need to re shape my expectations?
The last part to adolescents managing their own expectations is trial and error.
The only way for them to learn their capabilities & what is achievable is through doing. They will learn how to reach, how to fail, how to pick themselves up, how to re calibrate, and how to try again in the process.
Managing the Expectations of others
In an environment where you are working with adolescents it may be necessary for you to discover there ‘Stealth Expectations’, as they may not even be aware that they are expecting something of you.
Here are two tools / questions which can be utilized in this scenario:
- What do you need from me with regards to ___________? OR How can I help you with __________? These questions prompt conscious thinking, which may unearth unconscious expectations.
- By divulging your expectations of them, you may invite them to do the same. For example, ‘what I need from you is______________? what are some things you may consider asking of me?’
By getting on the front foot & trying to discover an adolescents ‘Stealth Expectations’ we create an opportunity for discussion about what is realistic to expect & how best to meet those expectations.
References
Brown, B 2015, Atlas of the Heart. Vermilion.
