Losing sucks! Winning can be euphoric!
If you disagree I would simply tell you that you are yet to find what you are competitive at, because the truth is if you are invested in it then your immediate emotion in the aftermath is probably going to reflect the outcome, and there is nothing wrong with that.
However, what I want you to takeaway is not how to react, rather it is how you perceive the outcome before it happens and how you shape it after it happens.
23 – 20 – 1
I wanted to start by telling you a story.
A few years ago the numbers above were the record of a local basketball team that I coached, 23 wins, 20 losses, and 1 draw – nothing special by an means, we pretty much lost as often as we won. This season occurred over the span of roughly 10 months, it included; practice matches, grading games, tournaments, regular season games, and finals games – not only did we play finals, we actually won the grand final, and the team we played in the grand final had beaten us 3 times prior to that night (we had also beaten them once).
To steal from Brad Stevens (see video above), we lost almost as many games as we won, and yet we won a grand final, huh?
It just goes to show that in junior sports, 1 + 1 does not = 2.
Looking back, emotionally the season was a rollercoaster, from frustration to anger to joy to calm to embarrassment to ecstatic, there were so many ups and downs that if you road the rollercoaster you may feel the effects of it, however if you are aware enough to see it and recognize it then you have the ability to re shape it into something else.
Perceiving and re shaping outcomes
Plenty of coaches use phrases like; “we need to win this game” or “we really shouldn’t be losing this game”, seems harmless. However in the mind of a developing adolescent, “we need to win this game” potentially puts a lot of fear in their mind, “what happens if we don’t win?”. And “we really shouldn’t lose this game” stacks a heap of pressure on young shoulders.
These two statements set the table for junior athletes to perceive the outcome in a catastrophic or all or nothing though process. And if things don’t go “according to plan” then how you shape the outcome is usually a reflection of self or team that is not at all accurate, “we are terrible”, “how bad are we”, “I suck!!”, I could go on.
The below speech from Kobe Bryant was a game changer for me in so many facets of life, including coaching junior sports. The following two paragraphs are my two key takeaways:
1. “playing to figure things out…”
Kobe has created a world for himself where he is not defined by a win or a loss, but rather whether or not he learned something.
If you have watched Kobe then it may be at this moment that you challenge me and say “there is no way he doesn’t care if he wins or looses”, and I would agree, but remember what I said at the start. If someone didn’t react to a win or a loss then I would scratch my head, because that is out of the ordinary, euphoria for a win is normal, as is disappointment for a loss.
Where Kobe differs is how he perceives and shapes the outcome. It is not seen as a win or loss for him, rather an opportunity to learn something, to figure out a problem, to practice and experiment with something he has been working on. If he does lose he would still be disappointed, however he would not catastrophize it, instead he would reflect, seek feedback, come up with a plan to fix what went wrong, and then go out again and try to execute that plan.
2. “the only way you can fail is if you stop…”
The hypothetical situation they go through regarding if he didn’t win championships is a fantastic example.
Notice, he starts by highlighting that he would have had a reaction… “I would’ve been extremely disappointed”, but how he perceives outcomes (playing to learn something) allows him to quickly shift and re shape that disappointment into lessons that would serve him in the next phase of his life, business and fatherhood. In his eyes, the only way his career could have been a failure was if he was naïve enough to take nothing from it.
I have no doubt that sports will incidentally teach junior athletes an infinite amount of lessons they can apply in life. The question I ask is are junior athletes aware enough to recognize them all?
As coaches I think too often we miss opportunities to highlight or emphasize these a little more, or even better, create and manipulate environments / situations that promote these life skills.
Final thoughts
- Reacting and feeling emotion post a win or loss is not the issue, if you are disappointed show it, if you are happy then smile!
- Where the issue lies is before and after the outcome, how we perceive the outcome and re shape it are things we can control.
- Taking the alternate option of “playing to figure things out…” means you are willing to; commit 100%, experiment, analyze and reflect, seek feedback, problem solve, practice some more, before trying to execute again.
- And lastly, remember the only way you can fail is if you stop. You may stop playing junior sports, there is nothing wrong with that (there are a variety of factors that go into it), but don’t stop trying to figure things out, continue to take lessons from what you do and look for other areas of life where they may be applicable.
