As Melbourne Australia begins a slow exit from heavy restrictions and lockdowns due to the pandemic we begin to slowly see potential repercussions of what two years in and out of isolation does to people.
No one can forecast how severe or minimal the effects of the last two years will be or how long we will feel the effects of it, it really is unknown.
Nevertheless I feel it important to discuss a repercussion I have already run into over the past couple of weeks.
Leaving comfort
In my eBook, 10 Lessons from 10 years of coaching adolescents, I mentioned that the factors that most influence adolescents and that they hold with the highest regard are social. Unfortunately, not all adolescents thrive in this area. And for this population, once adjusted, there may have actually been periods of lockdown where they were relieved, stripped of pressure, expectations and stresses, that can come with socializing.
However, they are now about to exit that comfortable place they had got accustomed to and now before even returning to the social scene they are already starting to feel some of the pressure, expectations, and stress they used to feel, as they anticipate what is to come.
For any adolescents who may be feeling this way I can relate and I want you to know I understand.
I spent years fearing some of those pressures, expectations, and stresses, I would continually resort to what felt comfortable at the time, however I still to this day (and know I will moving forward) deal with some of the repercussions of years of self inflicted isolation. There are some areas of socializing which are still incredibly tough for me, things that may seem trivial to the next person.
Fight or flight
Over the last couple of weeks there has been a few occurrences where a kid I work with has been incredibly reluctant to leave the house or has refuted doing so. It’s tough and they can be really stubborn (I was as well).
We know the importance of the outdoors and socializing, they have tremendous benefits on our overall health, however I can tell you in these moments kids couldn’t give a s***, after socializing or being outdoors they will feel the benefits of it and will be able to recognize it if prompted, but not before.
Before, there sympathetic nervous system is rampant, deciding whether to confront the stress they perceive they are about to face or dig there heels in and avoid it.
Guiding adolescents to what’s uncomfortable
As I said, there are tremendous benefits to socializing on our overall health, so there is no question that is the outcome, but how do we get there? and avoid the scenario described above…
- Firstly, establish if your child or an adolescent you work with is feeling this way. You can absolutely ask them straight up, ‘how are you feeling?’, although not all adolescents are going to tell you the truth (I didn’t). In this situation I do not recommend continually asking the question, I think this can do more harm than good, rather I would observe if there is something a miss. Is there a change in behavior or mood, patterns or activities? How do they react when you bring up certain topics?
- When you do ask ‘how are you feeling?’ or decide to have a conversation with them about how they may be feeling its got to be organic. Randomly asking; ‘how are you feeling?’ or leading with ‘we need to chat’ raises suspicion and defenses go up. Scheduling a talk or doing so in an environment that seems constructed adds stress to someone who is already stressed. Past history is going to be important as well, are conversations like this regular in your household, if they aren’t you’ve got be subtle in the way you get this information and it will not be easy.
- If you establish that they may be feeling stressed about a return to; school, sport, social gatherings, whatever it may be, don’t try and solve the problem straight away. This is something I struggle with, but my intention is to acknowledge how they are feeling and listen (don’t try and feel it and you don’t have to understand it, acknowledging and being attentive is more than enough).
- Part of acknowledging is simply saying; “I am sorry you feel this way”, no matter how big or small what they tell you is DO NOT try and lessen it, if you do you’ve lost them. Also, don’t fear silence, after the phrase above just pause and see what happens, they may tell you more (they may not, but you won’t know if you are talking).
- Lastly, support is one the biggest factors that can positively influence adaptability. One of the best ways you can support is by removing any unneeded stress, expectations or pressure from the circumstances.
Final thoughts
Am I an expert in this space? absolutely not.
Is what I have outlined above going to work for everyone? doubtful.
I know there is kids I work with that it won’t work for, if it is relevant to you I hope that it does help in your circumstances, don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t every kid is unique.
At the end of the day what underlies what I’ve written above is really good intent to understand and support someone who may be struggling, and if you can convince the other person of that, then how you do it I don’t think will matter.
